We're Here, We're Helmeted, Get Used To It.

What any given cyclist wears while riding his or her bike is often a heated topic of debate in circles of people who bicker incessantly. While I like to think that I simply couldn't hoist the concern required to give even the slightest scrap of a fuck about what myself or anybody else decides to wear whenever they do what they do while they wear it, that's just not the case.

When it comes to cycling attire, I often find myself taking mental notes of, comparing personal selections to, and raining derision on the choices of others. After several years' worth of interaction with the opinions of other people on this topic, I want to write a little bit about how I view clothes in relation to cycling. Feel free to take a moment to prepare yourself for what is sure to be a psychological thrill-ride following this paragraph.

After outgrowing the lycra of my formative years, I adopted a riding fashion style that is most often associated with mountain bikers, except of course without the cargo pockets or soccer jersey adorned with "mud flap chicks." My often local riding trips and the social nature of my destinations led me to spend several years riding exclusively in the same clothes I would wear to work, party, and even sleep in.

After experiencing an unprovoked and renewed personal desire for groinal harmony, I've recently become a proud owner of the Full Roadie Regalia (not to be confused with the Full Roadie Monty, which is renowned for hellish chafing.) My new "kit" includes a pair of "chamoised" lycra shorts, a close-fitting jersey, and a helmet with so many ribs, foils, and bulges that H.R. Giger would likely be flattered at the site of it.

Given the socially "disabled" nature of many American youths, my new clothing choice has of course provoked almost an entire highschool cafeteria worth of terms such as "faggot," "gaywad," and "cock furnace" shouted from passing Chevrolet Suburbans, school buses, and skateboards. Though troubling in their own right, these outbursts are primordial at best and most likely offered to anybody who isn't visibly brandishing a firearm.

I'm not expressly concerned with any opinion that a passing kick to the mouth with an hastily aimed SIDI cleat wouldn't mend, and that's why the stance I find truly vexing is the notion that cyclists who choose to wear specialized clothing while riding cause the general public to view cycling as something that is reserved for speed-suited super athletes who count calories for fun and suck the simple joy from any and all physical activity. While that's obviously an extreme interpretation of the stereotype, the lean meat of the idea is that by wearing my shorts, jersey, and helmet, I'm making cycling less appealing to the common man.

While I would generally disagree with this idea, I feel it rings true with at least some of the public at large, and I'd like to offer a different perspective.

I would argue that the sight of a jogger struggling down the sidewalk drenched in sweat while Kanye West froths almost visibly from his headphones does not discourage people from walking to the store. In a similar fashion, I feel that the sight of my gnarled form packed into an artificial sausage casing does not discourage people from riding their bike to class. Wearing a speedo would undoubtedly require me to undergo a thorough "wax n relax" before it could even fit properly, and I'd still have to find a way to avoid blinding everyone. That doesn't mean that my personal choice of attire (pale and furry though it may be) will stop people from going to the beach. Riding bikes is just something people do, and I simply don't see that changing.

Keep riding.
-Astro

Conflicting Stereotypes

On Wednesdays, I am particularly blessed with an opportunity to start my ride home from work at 3PM (instead of 11PM) and witness the multitudes of people out partaking in the various popular daytime activities of my region, which include driving to purchase mexican food, walking to purchase mexican food, "bromobiling" to purchase "brorritos" and riding bicycles, often with large baskets attached, which may be filled with several orders of "bomb-ass" fish tacos.

Today I noticed a strange occurrence, however. After encountering a "hipster" replete with headbanded afro walking his stickerless Bianchi Pista down the sidewalk, I passed two "chads" (otherwise known as "bros") riding fixies down my street. Just to make sure this wasn't some kind of glitch, I looked back and confirmed the presence of gym shorts, basketball shoes, and baseball caps featuring college football logos. As if so many different sports on one person wasn't enough, someone had gone ahead and set it all on top of a fixed gear bike with riser bars. What a mindfuck.

At first, I had no idea what to believe any more, but clarity set in as quickly as gravel will inevitably set in to the elbow skin of a "bro" riding a fixie without toe clips - Fixed gear is the new longboard.

I guess it's time for all the cool kids to hang their Surly Steamrollers up in the garage rafters next to the Arbor pintail they haven't ridden in three years. What's next?

Thanks Alot, Dickhead

I'm often unsurprised by the "audacity of young'ns" (or shitmouthedness of 17-19 year olds) and don't feel the need to form any sort of concrete response to their loads of sweaty dump, but I was a little more than slightly annoyed by an altercation I was part of earlier this afternoon. You could say I was "miffed." To the point where I'm pretty sure I could feel it in my balls.

As I was leaving a nearby Vietnamese restaurant with a delicious bánh mì (pronounced "bang me") nestled securely in my messenger bag (atop my four changes of "vintage" punk band t-shirts, my Macbook Pro, and my ironic Shake Weight) I stepped up to the beginning of a crosswalk with bike in hand to wait for traffic to pass. My intent was to cross the street in order to start riding home in the lane opposite me. I don't ride on the sidewalk for the same reasons I don't wear JNCO or listen to ICP.

In the oncoming lane was a campus transportation bus (I happened to be near a campus) which appeared to be unwittingly dragging two "skitchers," The first was a guy on a "shabby chic" road bike, replete with rolled-up skinny jeans, fluorescent cycling cap, and oversized messenger bag cinched up nearly to the back of his neck. The other was a nearly nondescript girl of the "mod" persuasion, outfitted with jet black feathered hair, hot pink wayfarers, and a fixie.

As I stepped up to the crosswalk, the driver of the bus stopped and motioned me across, leaving the two riders in question no choice but to let go of the back of the bus and continue under their own steam. I didn't think much of it until I was suddenly "got told." The girl, apparently upset at me for causing the bus to stop, posed the statement "Thanks alot, dickhead." as she and her flamboyant companion rode in front of me, turned onto the crosswalk, and continued riding onto the sidewalk and directly to the front door of American Apparel, which I shit you not, was no less than DIRECTLY across the fucking street.

Oh, my bad. Sorry you have to transport your vacant pit of a self a few yards under your own power for once. Did I cramp your shitty cockroach style? Whoooops! At least you made it to your new pair of expensive fucking pants in time!

I said nothing out loud, I just walked across the street, got on my bike and rode off. I did, however, imagine the girl's head popping off like the cap on a shaken soda bottle full of guts.

These people are the reason we have to get parade permits now.
-Astro

An Open Letter to Critical Mass

Hi Critical Mass.

Listen, I know there are a ton of you guys, and that you're all very passionately dedicated to the idea of clogging public areas and lifting your bicycles over your heads as though they were the hammers of the proletarians, but I have to question your actual motives. Are you trying to raise cycling awareness, or better the cycling community? Maybe you're just trying to fuck shit up for the rest of us?

Perhaps you're rising up against the good will of organizations who don't violate established traffic laws in the name of the bicycle. After all, while people like the ATA work with city planners to make more room for cyclists, Critical Mass is out there every month making people wonder if we should even have room to begin with.

Why is it that when motorists violate the flow of Critical Mass, they are run down, dragged from their vehicles, and beaten with U-locks (the fixie curb stomp) but when Critical Mass violates the flow of motor traffic -through often as many as five light rotations- they're supporting a cause?

If you want more rights for cyclists, it would be unwise to violate the rights we already have. Hell, you're even getting PARADE legislation re-purposed and shoveled over on us, yet hundreds of thousands of bikers still meet on the last Friday of every month to give every major city in America the impression that we still haven't figured out a better way to do this shit.

You're a bunch of fucking assholes.

Yours intermittently,
Astro

Stick 'Em Up

World's Best Bike Stickers Dot Com

"Fresh" Turds

As far as the cycling world goes, the good brands are already here. That's not to say that more won't show up or shouldn't be accepted, but it's important to avoid buying the shitty ones to keep from encouraging bad design. Personal ventures into the hippest corners of bicycle culture have actually uncovered a good bit of too-cool trash. Brace yourself, should you be suggestible.

1: Republic Bike / Urban Outfitters Bike Shop

As if an entirely new and hip-looking bike for Wal-Mart floor model prices was not enough of a red flag, I had to dig a little deeper on Republic Bike's spec sheet. I found that the frames are made with hi-ten steel, lack cable guides/stops (though are equipped with brakes and cables) and have been shoved into some kind of re-branding deal with Urban Outfitters. Apart from that, owners have reported cases in which the stock tires actually rip apart, and the brand has increased its spoke count over the last couple of years due to total wheel failure on earlier models. If you want to retain the balls that your stretchy jeans are so lovingly cradling, I suggest you steer clear.

2: Starfuckers

I had been bombarded by recommendations for Starfuckers pedal clips/straps for ages before actually digging around and checking them out. My conclusion: Absolutely unnecessary, especially given the price. Not only can you buy the exact same thing from a different company for half the cash, but you don't even need them! Apart from allowing you to run larger straps (benefit: bigger logo) what are you achieving with these fashion statements in disguise? Further inspection revealed bottom bracket shells at the vertexes of 45 degree angles and diagonal dropouts that defy logic despite fans explaining them away. Apparently they allow for a "customizable ride." I'm all for cool, crazy frame designs, but not when they're just an amalgamation of bad or half-formed ideas. I know they make shit that matches your sunglasses, or whatever, but powder-coated ugly is still fucking ugly.

Some would refer to me as a hater, but I think their need to even make the distinction between "them and us" throws their stance into a more pallid light. Ride bikes, not fashion accessories.

Prologue

I grew up with bicycles. My dad is an avid cyclist, and has been since before I was born. I was so saturated with parts and tools growing up, I kind of took bikes for granted until I began living on my own and realized how much my dad had taught me. The knowledge (and bikes) he passed down to me have literally helped me support myself. After years of trying to figure out what I want to do for a living, the idea of being a frame-builder just fell between my eyes one day, and clicked. I have other aspirations that may or may not come to be in the future, but building is my first decision, and I want to learn.

This is the course I'll be saving up for as soon as I can start burying some bones. I can't even imagine how stoked I will be to ride something I literally built myself. Hopefully having this course under my belt will make it a little easier to push my way into the trade. I want to take some others too, but this one is my most anticipated. I'm excited that a builder like Yamaguchi-san offers to teach those of us with the will (read: wallet) to learn. It's pricey, but there are lots of other builders who won't even let you in the shop, let alone show you how it's done.